A thinking man's guide to watching John Carter

Anyone who recognizes taste in film will spit this out. It's just a reaction, you see. The more risk is involved, the more averaged the experience feels. Big budgets need big audiences. If something confuses you about this film, it won't be the dialogue.

The writing is awful. That being said, this film greatly benefits from the viewer's outright fabrication of details:

1) The evil king of Zodanga is McNulty from The Wire. What does this mean? If we realize his character is an alcoholic, his actions not only make sense, but are sympathetic.

2) John Carter is, in fact, Tarzan. You'll know, a priori, that his character swings from vines to flavor his simpleton jungle life. Contemplating his actions will harm you, not help you. His gold is a metaphor for a twisted value of jungle living.

3) The Thark leader Tars Tarkas is Detective Paul Smecker from Boondock Saints. In his aggressively homoerotic Martian tribe, Willem Dafoe struggles with lazy intellectualism and sexual weakness. Each decree is an afterthought to his writhing internal struggle.

4) The king of Helium is shamed by a 70s-proportioned cocaine and gambling debt.

5) Interdimensional time beings, the Holy Therns, are a prideful self-perception by Disney executives.

6) The imperialist equivocation of Native Americans and anti-intellectual four-armed martians is accidental.

7) Tarzan's pet is genitals.

If at any point you find yourself confused, fear not! Remain calm, and recognize the Ninth Ray technology as an elderly perception of touch-screen phones.